Margaret Thatcher - A Nation Holds Its Breath

And now - satire. I hope this doesn't offend anyone (much) - I'm sure Bremner, Bird and Fortune would go at least as far.

Margaret Thatcher was taken ill at a dinner last night after her duty food-taster failed to show up, presumably owing to the after-effects of a previous engagement. She was rushed to hospital in a private car, an ambulance being curiously unavailable. Millions of people across the country have been waiting for news, to see whether their claim for responsibility has been accepted. Even as I speak, Mrs Thatcher is leaving St Thomas' Hospital, taking care to close it behind her.

Gordon Brown has already recorded a message, saying that, "I hope she is... well..." the camera touchingly panning down to reveal crossed fingers. Organisers of International Women's Day today are planning to reschedule the event in light of the damage Mrs Thatcher did to the image of women in politics after her notorious period in power of this country for 11 years, an 11 years that Steven Spielberg, whose films include, Schindler's List and Saving Private Ryan has refused to capture in a screen drama, being "too gruesome" to show to the general public.

Sales of ammunition and sniper rifles are said to have boomed on the black arms market, while street-vendors keep stocks of t-shirts with the logo, "I survived Thatcherism" with a picture of the egregious former leader, tinted green and showing a remarkable resemblance to The Mekon from Dan Dare comics, remain under wraps awaiting the great day that must be coming ever closer.

Mrs Thatcher was said to have felt unwell at a dinner in the House of Lords last night. She is known to have had a number of minor strokes in the past - dozens of public services, hundreds of schools and colleges, thousands of coal-miners, millions of homeowners all were devastated by her at a stroke - and low blood pressure, indeed no blood pressure at all since her heart was replaced a lump of rusting metal and a fly-by-wire cyborg internal control system. This malfunctioned only once when, early in her premiership, she ordered the scrapping of the Royal Navy, thus precipitating the Argentine invasion of the Falklands, which she then ironically ordered to be seized back by the very same armed forces.

Mrs T had no comment for waiting reporters and photographers as she left St Thomas' in cerise red body armour and disembarked in a bullet-proof limousine, to the sound of a voice saying, "I pity the fool who voted for me, I pity the fool!"

The final update is bad news. Mrs Thatcher, as she arrived home, has just told reporters she is feeling better. A brief boost in local property prices has now collapsed.

We will keep you informed of further developments. Hopefully.