Creative Writing: Radio Play

Sometimes You Just Know…

By David Helm



Characters:

Porter. (Volatile, possibly psychotic, almost definitely hopped up on something).
Ray. (Calm, older than the other two. Tries to work through things rationally).
Noble. (Youngest member. A little unsure of himself).
Cop.



Setting:

In Porter’s car, which is parked outside the bank as the three men prepare to carry out the raid.




























(Sounds of a city. Honking of horns, traffic. We hear a car pull to a halt. Hip-hop music- Ice-T’s “You Played Yourself”- blares for a minute, before it is switched off).

Porter: OK. So we know what we’re gonna do here? We clear?
Ray: Yeah. We enter this bank, we stand in the line, all nice and quiet. Then when we get to the head of the queue, we hand them the note and tell them to empty the drawers. Noble empties the vault while you and me keep everyone quiet. Then we tell them to keep their goddamn heads down and we get the hell out.
Porter: You got it. You got that back there?
Noble: (Sounding a little unsure of himself) Yeah…I got it.
Porter: I said, have you got it? You fuck this up and I’ll kill you myself.
Noble: I got it, man! Will you chill out?
Porter: One thing we gotta remember. No real names. That’s why you know me as Porter. That’s why Ray is Ray, and that’s why you’re Noble. OK? I don’t wanna know your real names, where you’re from, your fucking pet’s name. I don’t wanna know anything about you.
Ray: (A little sarcastically) Got it.
Noble: Yeah, I got it. Where’d you come up with these names, dude? I mean, Noble? What’s up with that?
Ray: It’s gotta be a joke. Noble means “of high moral character”- and we’re about to rob a bank. That’s got to be it, right? Right, Porter?
Porter: Huh?
Ray: Forget it. So when do we go in?
Porter: We go in when I say we fucking go in. I’m running this goddamn thing, and don’t you forget it. We don’t do anything before I say. Nothing happens before I say it happens. OK?
Ray: So, are you gonna say that we go ahead or should I just guess when the time is right, huh?
Porter: You got a prior engagement? Quit badgering me. I’m casing the joint.
Noble: How are you gonna case the place from out here? We’re in a car. You can’t even see the entrance! (Sighs) Did you have to plan this thing for so early? I didn’t get breakfast. I get faint if I don’t eat. Look, there’s a McDonald’s over there- I’m gonna go get something. You guys want anything?
Porter: No.
Noble: Ray?
Ray: (Weighing this up for a couple of seconds) Yeah. Get me an Egg McMuffin and a coffee. One of those big ones. (Pause) And an apple turnover.
Noble: You gonna come and give me a hand, then? Only got two.
Ray: Yeah, OK.
Noble: (To Porter) You sure you don’t want anything?
Porter: Yeah. And don’t take too long.

(Two doors slam as Noble and Ray get out of the car)

Porter: Goddamn fucking amateurs. Gotta stay professional for this- and they go for a fucking McDonald’s.

(He snaps the radio on and twirls the dial. Music- Supertramp’s “Breakfast in America”- fills the car)

Porter: Goddamn. I hate this song!

(A brief snatch of several songs as Porter twirls the dial again. Goes on for several minutes. Finally settles on “Money” by Pink Floyd)

Porter: That’s what I’m talkin’ about. (Starts to sing along as he waits) Goddamn- where are those two idiots? They’d better not take too long or I’m going in there.

(Two doors open and then shut as Ray and Noble get back in)

Porter: Could you have left it a bit longer? It’s not like we’re about to do a fucking robbery here, is it?
Noble: (With his mouth full) Sorry, Porter. But I coulda stayed in there all day. You ever been in there when they take a fresh buncha donuts out the fryer? Smells like heaven.
Porter: Uh huh. You do anything that might screw this up again, I’ll fucking send you there. You got that?
Ray: Come on, man- cut the kid a break. It’s his first time. Kid’s nervous. Just like the first time you do anything. You remember your first job? What were you like?
Porter: My first time? (Sighs) It was…Hey wait a minute! What did I say about knowing nothing about ourselves? You get pinched, you could tell the cops anything. I ain’t telling you nothing.
Ray: Nearly slipped up there, Porter.
Porter: Will you shut the fuck up?
Noble: Yo, check it out. Cop comin’ up on my side.
Porter: That fucking pig so much as looks at me in the wrong way, I’m fucking capping his ass.
Ray: Will you chill out? It’s hot enough in here without more hot air coming outta you. Just talk to the officer.
Porter: You don’t tell me what to do, huh? Remember who’s running this thing, OK?
Ray: Shut up and wind your window down.

(Sounds of the window opening. Sounds of the outside come in through the open window)

Cop: Morning, gentlemen. Enjoying your breakfast there, huh?
Noble: Yes, officer. (Nervously) Nice morning, isn’t it?
Cop: Certainly is. But it just so happens that this area’s no stopping. And you seem to have stopped here. You see the problem?
Ray: Absolutely, officer- but we couldn’t see anywhere else, and we didn’t think that we’d be here too long.
Cop: That so? I’ve been watching you for the last half hour- you don’t show any signs of wanting to move on. Maybe I should do something about that, what do you think?
Ray: Sorry about that, officer- look, we’ve finished our breakfast. We’ll be gone by the time you come back down here, OK? Come on- you don’t have to run us in for that, do you? Come on.
Cop: Well- it has been a slow morning… But you guys seem like a nice, responsible bunch of fellows. You got ten minutes. Then I’m coming back and if you’re still here, I’m booking your asses. You got it?

(The window is wound back up)

Porter: If that cop comes back, I’m doing him.
Ray: Did you hear what he said? We got ten minutes or he’s booking us. And that would really fuck up your plans, wouldn’t it? You got a record, right?
Porter: Yeah.
Ray: OK- so let’s do this, huh? ‘Cos I got a record too, and if we get pinched, it won’t make a goddamn bit of difference that we don’t know each other’s names. They’d just run our faces through the database and we’d be screwed. OK? So let’s do the damn thing.
Porter: OK, OK.
Ray: OK- shall we do one more run through it, while you get your shit together? We go in the bank. We go up to the counter. We don’t want people panicking and getting in the way, so no pulling of guns as we go up. Hand them the note. Keep an eye on them and the customers while they get the money. When they hand us the money we leave. We only use force if they refuse. Anyone tries to be a hero, take them out- but only then. Gotta be professional- we kill no one unless it’s absolutely necessary. Got that? We’ve got maybe two minutes to do it if they hit the silent alarm under the desk- so we gotta be smooth. Concentrate on what we gotta do. OK?
Porter: Yeah. But if any spic teller refuses to do what I fucking tell them, they die.
Ray: Did you not listen to what I just said to you? No use of force if we can avoid it. We’re on a time limit, goddammit. What the hell’s wrong with you? Gimme the goddamn pen and I’ll write the note. We’re on a schedule here.
Porter: What pen?
Ray: What the fuck do you mean, what pen? The pen to write the goddamn note. I thought you had the pen.
Porter: Nope.
Ray: Noble, you got it?
Noble: No. I thought you had it.
Ray: Are we saying that we haven’t got anything to write the fucking note?
Porter: You blaming me? You blaming me? ‘Cos if you are I’ll fucking cut you. This was my idea. I come up with the idea, you bring the fucking pen!
Noble: Couldn’t we use a pencil?
Ray: Shut up, kid! (Back to Porter) Your idea? You’re so fucking out of it I’m surprised that you can tie your fucking shoelaces. It’s me who’s kept a cool head here. And you were supposed to bring the goddamn pen!
Noble: Guys! We’re on a schedule here. So we haven’t got a pen. We just gotta come up with an alternative!
Porter: Yeah. We go in, we pull our guns and we tell them to open the drawers. Any muthuhfuckuh gets in my way gets fucking dropped. Just like I wanted to do in the first place.
Ray: You fucking psycho, you’re gonna get us killed…. (Resigned) OK- where are the guns?
Porter: In the trunk. Let’s go.

(Doors open and shut as the three get out of the car. Porter pops the trunk).

Porter: There. OK? One for each of us. Take your pick.
Noble: Um, guys? This may not be the best time to mention this, but I’ve always had kind of a problem asserting authority…you know? I mean, I’ve tried talking to somebody, but-
Ray: Are you saying you can’t do this job because you’re shy?
Noble: (Defensively) Hey, I’m sorry, I just didn’t expect to go in with guns drawn, OK? That wasn’t the plan!
Ray: What did you expect? It’s a goddamn bank robbery, not a goddamn Sunday school meeting.
Noble: You know what? Fuck you. Fuck him, and fuck this job. You can both kiss my ass.

(Footsteps as Noble walks away, fading into the general hustle and bustle of the street)

Porter: That goddamn kid. I’m going after him.
Ray: I’ll get him. You get the guns- I’ll be back. (Under his breath as he walks away) As the cops take you in, you dumb son of a bitch. Ten minutes is up…right about now.
Cop: (As he walks back up) OK, pal, I warned you. I told you this is a no stopping zone, and you haven’t moved. I’m booking you… (He spots the mini-arsenal in the back of the car) What the…? Holy shit! Freeze, you sucker! (Draws his gun. Click of the hammer)
Porter: Hey, wait a minute, there were two other guys here…
Cop: Shut the fuck up and get your goddamn hands in the air!
Ray: (Watching from a distance) Man- sometimes you just know when you’re having a bad day, huh?

(We hear Porter’s continued protests and the cop’s shouting orders at him, and police sirens approaching in the distance as we fade out)

THE END.